4 of us got in the car and went to the hospital when we got there the doctors took us into a separate room, I recall hearing my mom then said "He passed" my knees gave out, and a pain straight to my heart hit, screams, and cries bursted out of our mouths that's when our worst nightmare came true that's when the 11 children turned into 10. At first I just thought you know Luke is always in and out of the hospital it'll be fine, that was until I went down stairs to see my two other brothers crying with my other sister, I then got a text from my mom which said no heart beat no activity to the brain. But then she came up to me and said "did you hear what happened to Luke?" I said "no, what happened?!" she then replied "We were playing basketball, and he said he couldn't breathe, he went up stairs and turned blue, Mom and Lee did CPR" I remember being so confused and ran to my brother Jacob and asked him he explained it, I went outside and just screamed, screaming for having a father dying of cancer, and screaming that my brother was now in the hospital. I remember coming home and seeing my little sister crying, I just thought it was because she was sad that Dad was dying of cancer and it was one of those moments you get. Matthew Rory Cox love you so much, and forever in my heart. I would give anything in the world to spend one more day with him, for my brother to hold my first born baby girl when she was born or to come with me when I got my first tattoo. Everytime I think of him I cry I can't stop myself, it's at times embarrassing, as I cannot talk about him to others, certain songs I can no longer listen to or if do I cry, Pink Floyd was his fav, shine on you crazy diamond. No matter how hard I try to remember all the good times the good memories, I can not. Thankfully my dad came into some money to pay for it, but every time I close my eyes that's all I see, my brother dead, sad, lifeless in a small sad room. Because he killed himself, the government wouldn't pay for it and we didn't have the money at the time. I had no idea how much that was going to affect me, he looked so sad, so broken laying there in his coffin, his face stained red, he had no fingernails left from trying to scratch his way out of car when he was killing himself, his body laid on a slab for 3 weeks before his funeral was planned. I had not seen him for years due to family disputes, so when I agreed to go to his viewing to see his body, it changed my life forever. When I was 17 years old, it was 2 months after my daughter was born on the my brother killed himself, by gassing himself in his car. I will always love you no matter how long its been, I kept your favorite sweater and wear it every time I miss you Tell you that I really need you no matter what I said. I wish I could go back and tell you how I felt, I regret the times I yelled at you when you were only trying to help,īut you know I only did it because you did it to me.Īnd I miss the way our room smelt of your cologne.īut most of all I miss your reassuring hugs and playful kisses. I like to remember our times together good times and the bad. I miss our nonsense arguments and all our wrestling matches just to pass time. I miss your comfort and the way you made me feel safe. I miss you climbing through the window when you were late.
Yes, we fought many of times but you supported, As I grew older I looked up to you and to no other.